I have to confess, at the end of 2012, I was convinced that 2013 would be a no fail fantastic year. Oh was I wrong. I never thought that it would ever be like it was. It was horrible, to say the least. I’m glad its over. I thought we were in the free and clear with just one more week to go. Wrong again.
So, our year… in probably too many words… but my heart is probably going to spill over into all this… and my memory of everything is super blurry… but sometimes getting it all out is best way to deal.
March/April: Odie wasn’t eating, was acting really strange. A trip to the vet and a few x-rays later, he had what looked like a blockage in his intestines (or so we thought, X-ray wasn’t showing it too well) He needed exploratory surgery. The surgery was performed that day, but Odie did great. A few days later he ended up back in the vet emergency room a day after he came home in severe pain and too much gas built up in his intestines. Two x-rays and tons of meds later, he was out for hours and resting as comfortable as he could be. A few days went by and he still wasn’t eating well and by this point he had lost about 10 pounds, which is a lot for dogs. He was so weak and so thin. I felt like we were losing him. About three days later he began to throw up stomach acid. Rushed him in for another appointment. Nothing but bad news. Tests later confirmed that he was in early stages of liver failure. I was losing. My heart broke. I cried and cried and decided that there was no way I was going to let him die! He was only two years old and had so much life left in him. Odie and I and my mom lived in a tiny crate at the vet. He spent three days on meds and fluids while mom and I took turns hand feeding him dog food that smelled like vomit. Anything for my boy. We had just barely caught it in time. He pulled through, came home and spent weeks, months, recovering and getting stronger each day. Just a few months shy of a year now, he still has some eating issues, but he is 100% healthy, like it never happened. He is my million dollar doggie and worth every penny!
June: Zoey started her first day of summer preschool. She wasn’t happy and didn’t like being away from me. She cried, I cried. I didn’t want to leave her but she really need this. She needed the time away from me, to learn she would be ok and that I would always come back. To make new friends and grow and be her own person. I knew a long road was ahead.
This was hell month. The beginning of our downhill spiral. June came. Summer was in full swing. We were so excited for our camping trip. My grandma had gotten news that she was finally getting the surgery she had been waiting for, waiting for nearly 20 years. We were so excited, like a second chance at life for my grandma. She had been suffering with an intestinal disease for so many years. She missed out on so many events and memories with the family, the grandkids, life. Her surgery was set for the end of the month, the same week we were to go camping. No worries we thought, see you when we get home Grandma. She went into surgery on Wednesday, June 26. Everything went well. The next day, we left for camping, my mom went to the hospital to visit her and get all the info to help her recover. That day, they couldn’t keep her awake, something was wrong. My mom called and told us things were not looking too good. I battled back and forth with my self. We were already at the camp grounds… half way set up. I kept saying “she will pull through, she’s strong, she’s stubborn, she can do this!” I knew in the back of my mind, deep in my heart, this wasn’t going to end well. Lance and I knew we had to go home, we packed up and drove back. I spent half the night at the hospital, in the waiting room outside of the ICU waiting… waiting... waiting. They filled me in. It was really bad. Worse than I had thought, worse than I wanted to admit to myself. Once again we were losing. My heart was breaking. We tried to stay positive for my Grandpa, he was the love of his life. The next day, they decided to do an exploratory surgery, there had to be something else wrong. They found that her small intestine had died and was poisoning her. The infection was out of control and there wasn’t too much they could do. She was slipping away from us. That night, my grandma gained her angle wings. Our hearts were so empty, so broken. We didn’t want to say good bye, we didn’t want to let her go. I didn’t want to go home. The next morning, was the hardest day of my life. How do you tell your babies that they just lost their great grandma. They were so close and they loved each other so much. I didn’t know how we were going to make it through the rest of the year. It just couldn’t get any worse… right?
July: A week later, we flew to Massachusetts. The tickets were bought months ago and the kids really needed it and so did we. It was a great trip, emotional and difficult sometimes, but amazing like always. It was nice to be there, but I wanted so badly to be home. Everything was happening so quickly and strangely enough, the kids were coping better than I was.
To make things even worse, while we were gone, Odie broke out in severe hives! Of course he did! That’s the Odie thing to do!
We got home from Massachusetts with only two weeks before school started back up again. Two weeks to do our school shopping. My least favorite thing to do. Even worse, it brought back memories of Grandma. She would always tease me that she didn’t have to do back to school shopping! I had to smile. Grandma was popping up in nearly every thought I had.
At some point between July and August, grandpa was tossing around the idea of moving in with us. I loved the idea, it would be nice to have someone around during the day! He could teach me all of grandma’s recipes and I could hear all of their stories.
August: I barely remember when everything happened. At some point around August, we switched bedrooms, the kids were sharing a room, we were moving into the other bed room and G-pa was taking our room. It was perfect. The kids were excited, they wanted to learn about his coins and metal detecting and read his comic books and check out his ships. We made a few road trips and did a few other fun things.
Later that month, G-pa went in for a regular screening for his heart. They ran tests and found something wasn’t right. They admitted him and ran more tests. A couple days later he was diagnosed with Stage four lung and brain cancer and possibly cancer in his spine. We were shocked. How could G-pa take anymore, how could we. I didn’t believe it. Pure denial. He was my grandpa, the rock of our family, always took care of everyone. It wasn’t fair. We supported whatever decision he wanted to make with this. To fight or not, whatever he wanted, we understood. We helped pack up the house and clean things out. It was so incredibly hard. Nothing in the house had been moved since grandma went to heaven. It was exactly how she left it. He moved in that weekend. My mom stopped working to help with his meds and appointments, he had decided to fight and he was going to need all the support we could give. He was optimistic and upbeat. My Aunt Pat, grandpas sister, came out to visit and help out. It was so great to see her and grandpa loved that she was here. We were all hopeful.
September: He began radiation treatment September. The first few days were ok. It wore him down. He joked around about losing his hair (he hated that!) He finished part of the radiation treatment and spent the next few weeks in and out of the hospital with different things. It was tough watching my always strong grandpa go through this so much was incredibly difficult. My mom, Pat and I were troupers though, we kept up as best we could with everything. Tons of medications and schedules and appointments and not to mention my Grandfather was stubborn to a fault! I see where I really get that from! Radiation was over. Finally. He couldn’t take much more, but you wouldn’t know it. He always put on a brave face.
He taught me how to make his homemade chicken noodle soup. I may have added too much salt. He said it was great though.
October: September came and went. Mom worked hard to get grandpa to the next stage of treatment, his chemo. The doctors gave him a few weeks to recover from everything else, but things were taking a sudden downhill turn. It seemed like no matter how hard we all tried, we were continuing our downward spiral. Even surrounded by so much family, grandpa was still lonely. He missed grandma terribly. He thought only of her. His heart was broken into a thousand pieces without her. True love at its finest. Again, in the back of my mind and deep in my heart, I knew we were losing. And, honestly, I don’t know if it was to the disease or a broken heart. The rest of the month was difficult. We made it to Halloween. Grandpa made it to Halloween. He spent most of his days sleeping. Refused to eat, take his meds. Mom knew. I knew. Grandpa knew what he was doing, I’m sure of it. He was one of the funniest, strongest, most caring person I knew. I hated seeing him like this. I knew I needed to be there for him, I wanted to be there for him.
November 1st: My grandfather fought and incredibly difficult and brave battle, with a broken heart. He knew where he wanted to be. Where he belonged. He wanted nothing more than to be with my grandma again. That evening my grandpa gained his angel wings and was together again with the love of his life, my grandma. I was more at peace when grandpa left us, I knew they had each other and that they were together again, where they should be. We were able to be there for him, with him through the end. Together.
Again, my kids were heart broken, worse this time for them though. They lived with him for a few months, saw him every day, said good night at bed time. Helped make dinner and draw him pictures, tell him about their day at school. I didn’t know how they were going to make it through this again. But wouldn’t you know it. They were the toughest ones of us all. They had lots of questions. I answered each the best I could. We had a brief conversation about cancer and heaven, grandma and grandpa and how they are together again and always watching over us. They each have their own special memories of their great grandma and grandpa and lots and lots of pictures. I wont let them forget how much they loved their great grandkids, the memories they made together and the time they had. Everyday, all the little things bring back amazing memories and a few tears to my eye. But, I still smile and I still go on, to keep their memory alive, for me, for my kids, for my family. They were amazing people. My life is incomplete without them but I am incredibly grateful to have had them in my life, the honor of knowing them and hearing their stories and for being in my kids’ life. I will think of them every single day. I love them with all my heart and miss them so very much.
The holidays have come and gone. They were so hard to get through. I cried on each one, days before days after. A part of me didn’t even want to have any part of the holidays. It all happened so fast and so close, but my family needed it. The kids need us all to be strong and to remember life is about living and remembering and always making the best out of each and every moment. I learned so many life lessons last year. Some good, some not so good and some I already knew. For the first time in my life I had regrets. I’ve always tried to learn from each experience in my life, regret nothing but always learn something. Each decision I’ve made in my life made me who I am today. But, now, I regret not spending more time with my grandparents, making a better effort, letting my kids get to know them even better than they did, call them more often, just drop in, take more pictures and hear more stories, learn to cook all my grandma’s favorite recipes, learn more about g-pa’s coins, and go fishing and learn to sew and make blankets and puzzle boards and so much more. I have regrets. I’ve learned the time to start living is now, tomorrow is not promised, it is a gift, to always be cherished. Spend each day with the ones you love, tell them you love them each and every day. Hug them. See them. Enjoy everything about them. Know them… really know them. Don’t learn these things the hard way.
We could never have made it through last year with out all the wonderful and supportive family and friends we have. You guys are amazing and we love you very much.
I was looking forward to the year coming to an end. We were ready to say good bye to 2013. But, with just one week until New Years, my great uncle was hospitalized and almost didn’t make it home, thankfully he pulled through and is recovering at home. At the moment my great aunt is in the hospital with an infection and on IV antibiotics but doing well and Lance’s mom is in the hospital out in Massachusetts. We will keep saying our prayers and keep thinking happy, positive thoughts and support our family and those who need us.
We have all been through so much. I want to keep my head high and hope that this coming year will be better. We could use some happy memories and some good news.
My heart is still heavy and my tears are still falling…. and I will never be the same, but I will go on. We all will.
Miss you and love you both like crazy!
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